CSI: Ponyville
by TorstenderMilch
Summary: The Ponyville Police Force is low on detectives. So, Hand Grenade decides to join the police service as one. This will be quite fun! Especially when the peaceful town is harboring something it would not like to: a murderer. Rated T for my usual: violence, blood, drugs, etc. Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: One Dark Night...**

June 14th, night. The power was out in Ponyville, and Luna's moon was new, which made it very dark. Very few ponies were out, since it was so dark. Even the infamous blue bird wasn't out, even though it's main source of food (oversize sandwiches) were scattered everywhere. The only pony that was out was a young earth mare, no older than 17, walking down a narrow back-road, near the outskirts of town. She was in a stupor, a roll of paper was hanging out of her hoof, and her eyes were bloodshot. She kept walking for a few minutes, looking for her house, which was on the other side of town. Then, the door to a house burst open, and a pegasus stallion ran out of it, chasing the mare.

"Rosemary, where ya goin'!?" he called to her. When he got up to her, he realized that she was really high.

"I'm goin' home, _maaaaaaaan_, hehe," said the mare, Rosemary.

"Rosemary, are you high?" he asked, although he knew the answer.

"No, no, _definitely_ not!" she lied, feebly. She then took a drag on her joint.

"Rosy, come with me," the stallion said calmly.

"Why?"

"Because, you need help, Rosy!" he said, concern oozing from his voice.

"I may need help, but I don't _waaant_ it!" Rosemary whined.

"Rosemary, at least get indoors. It's too dark out here!"

"I can see fine!"

The arguing went on for a few more minutes, when a dark figure came out from behind a very, _very_ black house. It pulled out a metal tube attached to a handle of some sort. The figure did something unknown to the tube, pointed it at the mare, and BANG! There was a loud explosion, a bright flash, and a spatter of blood. The stallion took a minute to clear his eyes, and saw that the mare was dead, a big hole in her neck.

"Oh no!" he cried. "OH NO!"

He turned his head to look in the direction he thought the killer was, but saw nothing there. The killer had vanished.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Off to Work**

It was a very bright day in Ponyville. Too bright. Very few ponies were outside, it was that bright. Only the occasional businesspony could be seen walking to work. The extra light did have its perks, though: night owls, insomniacs, even just lazy teenagers were rudely awakened by the harsh beams of bright light, allowing them more time in the day. The freakishly bright day.

The brightness is only a minor detail, though. This chapter is not about the sunlight, but a pony who is woken up by this sunlight. And his cat.

The sun was creeping into his room and hitting his eyes. He merely shrugged this off and cowered under his blanket. But the downside to bright lights that can wake up anything is that they can wake up _anything_. Including very hungry cats. A very large gray cat had crept up onto a shelf right above this pony's head. He then proceeded to jump right off of said shelf, extending his claws, and landing on top of his owner, the pony.

"YIPE!" cried the pony, making him more visible than he was under the blanket. You could see that he was gray, with a black mane combed up in a mullet, and an orange streak running through it. He looked at the cat, who was trying to look as innocent as possible, rubbing up against his owner lovingly, and then pointing at his open mouth, meowing pleadingly.

"Stupid cat..." the pony said bitterly. "Oh well. Better feed you."

He got out of bed and headed for the kitchen, the cat following happily. Once he got there, he opened a cupboard, which was filled to the brim with at least 1,000 cat food cans (it was quite a large cupboard). He removed a can and fed his cat, who thanked him with a hearty "Cock-e-doodle-doo!"

_I swear, that cat belongs with Pinkie Pie_, the pony thought to himself. He then opened up another cupboard, removed a box of Pyro-o's (a brand of cereal) and a bowl, opened the fridge, removed some milk, and proceeded to make his breakfast. Suddenly, somepony knocked on the door, interrupting him from his first bite of cereal. He got up and went to the door.

"Who is it?" he called to whoever was on the other side.

"It's Crystal!" screamed a feminine voice on the other side, seemingly in a hurry. He opened the door and let her in.

"Crystal, what're ya doin' here?" he asked, irritated.

"Because I just thought that I'd come and wish you luck with your new job, because you deserve to be wished luck, and I'm going to wish you luck. That, and I felt really talkative! Good luck!" Crystal answered. At a closer look, one could see that her pupils were dilated.

"Crystal, what're you on?" The stallion asked her.

"Hand Grenade, don't you trust me!?" she asked, trying to sound innocent. "Friends gotta trust each other!"

The stallion, Hand Grenade, looked quizzically at her for a minute, and then said, "Meth?"

"Nyu-uh!"

"Coke?"

"Nope!"

He thought for a minute, and finally said, "Caffeine?"

"Oh, _hay_, no! Much more illegal!" she informed matter-o-factually. Hand Grenade got into another thinking position, seriously racking his brain.

Finally, he said, "I've got nothing!"

"It's khat!" Crystal said, pulling out a leaf and putting it in her mouth.

"Of course. Leave it to you to use a drug completely unknown to most of the country," he said.

"Pretty much!" she said cheerfully.

"You know, with my new job, that's a bad thing for you to tell me, that you're using drugs," Hand Grenade informed her.

"Not with these!" she said, and held out some papers. The one on the top said:

These documents proclaim that the pony Crystal Meth  
is hereby exempt from any law that has been, is being,  
or will be made regarding the use, possession, and  
manufacture of any narcotics whatsoever.

Princess Celestia

"So, you're officially void of all liability to your drug problem," Hand Grenade said, seemingly impressed.

"Yep. All for helping save Equestria! I think they give me too much credit. Don't you?" Crystal said modestly. Crystal was one of those kinds of ponies who, yes, use drugs, but they're (mostly) friendly about it. They aren't like some people who rob stores to supply their addictions. Granted, her parents were absolutely _loaded_, but she never really resulted to asking them for money (because they send it to her, gift wrap and everything). She also frequently grows and makes her own drugs so that she can save money and other ponies time.

"So, back to your job, when do you have to go, because it's not nice to be late, especially on the first day, and I would know, because I was late to a _lot_ of jobs, and..." Crystal started.

Hand Grenade ignored her for a minute, letting her rant on, and checked a clock on the wall above the fridge, gasping. "Dear Celestia, I'm going to be late! See ya later, Crystal!" he said, running out the door, and leaving Crystal to finish her drug induced rant in solitude.


End file.
